insecurities, anxiety, and toxic people: they can and will destroy you.
I’ve held it in long enough.
I’m done being silent about the important shit going on in my life.
untitled word vomit.
Ever have those days where you just feel like crazy lucky?
All tantrums aside - I am very lucky.
I have a great kid, an extremely loving forever human, and I can’t wait to have us all together again.
7 more sleeps until Stephen gets here and we get to take the nugget on a road trip for the weekend.
52 days until we get an entire week alone.
54 days and 20 hours until something extra special.
271 days until we get to all be together in the same place.
2019 is good, but it needs to go by quickly.
60 more days.
Finally got to spend a much needed (although far too short) weekend with Stephen.
Finally got to refill my cup and be with my person.
After going through so much in the last month and a half we have desperately needed time together. Not only were we extremely productive and got things done. But we got some really great quality time together.
25 ( 24 if he flies out to drive with us) more days until we take Annabelle to the cherry blossom festival.
Oh. And shout out to Stephen for encouraging me to actually meal prep my breakfasts and lunches. I’m set for 2 weeks now. He’s been pushing me to improve some health issues and I’m stubborn and been avoiding it.
Here’s hoping things start to improve!
Fixing the seemingly unfixable
The Weekend From Hell.
And by weekend. I mean Friday-Last night.
We had a huge blow up. And by huge I mean we almost ended Monday night. He was in a bad moof Saturday and Sunday. And I admittedly dint help at all. He gets short, and I get short. And he doesn’t talk sooooo noting gets better. Always leads to a fight. But Monday morning he finally admitted some things. Which then lead to an all day battle. Which lead to me having a multitude of mental break downs, trying to help but not helping like I thought I was. It was a mess. And I’m being vague on purpose. I don’t want to relive it, it doesn’t need to be out there for the world to see, and it’s just too long to type.
But last night, after more bickering. I can’t really even call it fighting bc it wasn’t as….harsh….as the previous day, but there was bickering. And I finally realized that without my deepest, darkest, most raw, piece of me that I have never ever shared of myself with him. While it mostly went unresponded to in that moment (he did respond later to it), it somehow started to calm the conversation into a conversation and not even bickering anymore.
Then - in another lightbulb moment when he brought up a journal I mentioned at some point in early 2013 on here, I realized I had something that might help. He constantly questions what makes him special, what makes him different from anyone else. And while I told him I through all my journals away, I realized I have one right next to my head on my night stand. One I’ve written plenty about him in. So, I sent him pictures of what I wrote. Somehow, that worked. He was finally able to see what I’d been trying to tell him. He was finally coming out of the anxiety, insecurity driven spiral into the black abyss. We were able to finally talk on the phone without anger, and about things calmly. And today we have been back to normal. Better than normal. He told me he’s daydreamed about doing something I never ever thought I would. ever. like, never ever. Not even if theres a fire, ever.
I woke up to very sweet messages this morning because he still couldn’t sleep, but he opened up a lot, which - frankly - he sucks at (sorry, not sorry, babe). It’s something we need to actively work on together. Not bottling things up, and letting them brew until it all comes out as an explosion that nearly ended our relationship.
I dont even know what the point of this post is. Like, at all. I haven’t said anything we both dont already know.
we’ve day dreamed about things that would be nice. Things forever humans do together. Part of me wants to say fuck it lets go, the pros out weigh the cons. Plan out something special for just the two of us and do something that’s just for us (The girls can come too). We have been together for nearly a year, and theres still 11 months until I’m done with school, and that means 11-12 before we can even think about moving in together. So doing something that would make being apart easier. Not easier, but easier - I know what I mea, would be nice. However - we are attempting to be rationale people soooooo a day dream it is. But it was still nice to talk about.
Unfortunately, my check engine light also came on yesterday. Which means my trip tomorrow may be completely fucked over and instead of going I might have to give my (literal) entire paycheck to fix the stupid car. I’m calling the mechanic tomorrow to see what he discovered. I seriously hate the people that sold me the car. I wish I could afford them to take them to court. Not only have I put 3,000 into it between a tow and getting fixed, but I’m looking at possibly $500 more in repairs, and $232 out the window for my airline ticket for this weekend.
So for now, we wait. a lot of waiting. This was our last planned trip. I want to be able to make it out the 1st of next month for his promotion, but that’d be a miracle at this point. Hopefully the universe is going to be more kind. We could use some goodness. Given, Annabelle has declared them best friends. And she enjoys FaceTiming him and thinks he’s silly. I can’t wait to the trips I get to take her with me. That won’t get to happen until this summer though when she’s out of school.
Well, now im just rambling. This post jumped around. Sorry not sorry.